Today I imagined that it was my first day at a new job and that my two children were my co-workers. Somehow behavior that is typical for toddlers becomes something extraordinary if you imagine it being played out by adults. So, for this to work please imagine that all the characters featured are adult women.
I arrived at the office and my brand new co-workers started hugging me at the same time and then slapping each other saying, I don’t have any room! Eventually I was able to extricate myself from them as one started to cry very loudly. I know I’m new here but is this a normal greeting??
As I passed the conference room mid-morning, they both called out to me. Look! We made cake! Come here we have cake for you. I figured it was a nice gesture on my first day so after dropping my things at my desk I walked over. They sat proudly at a table that was covered not with cake but with Play-doh. Maybe it was a joke but one of them definitely had play-doh in her mouth. I tried to smile but left as quickly as I could.
At lunch they invited me for pizza. The smaller one instructed me to sit on the floor. I guessed we were having some kind of carpet pick-nick. Seemed unconventional but I was into it. There were no place settings but the smaller one seemed very proud when she brought me a green plate and a matching green cup. Both ladies kept running out of the room giggling as they put the meal together.
Eventually each of us had a slice of pizza on our plate but there was also a slice laying on the ground. When I asked about it they said oh that one fell and we don’t want it.
After the pizza, they brought soup. The big one kind of banged it down on the carpet and the top fell off. She said that only she could serve the soup and that it was very hot and if I wanted more I had to ask. When I pointed out that I didn’t have a spoon, she looked irritated. In a huff she got up from the table to go find some spoons. She came back and said that because I was late I would have to use a small spoon. (I wasn’t even late!)
They brought a slice of cake for dessert but again no fork. The small one let me use hers this time. Then they brought strawberries and cream. I was getting very full by then.
Next they asked if anyone wanted a cappuccino. I accepted and they scurried away returning with a machine that looked like a cash register. One of them handed me the cappuccino and said, You can only pay with a credit card. What? I thought. Then suddenly the small one tried to grab the machine from the big one whining, I want to push the buttons! I handed her my credit card, and mentioned that I needed to leave.
At this point they both got very excited and starting flapping about like birds. Wait! Don’t go yet! You’ve won a prize! Because you ate the most soup, the bigger one explained.
Oh! A prize? What is it? I exclaimed. Then they started pretending to use the cappuccino machine to spray water at me while laughing maniacally. Could this be considered hazing? Should I contact HR? Luckily I had to leave for a meeting.
After my meeting, I heard one of them calling me. She seemed very distressed. Look! My sock! My sock! She cried. I looked but she wasn’t wearing any socks. She then indicated that I should put her socks back on her feet. Can you imagine having to touch one of your co-workers feet?! She also smelled very bad. I think she had pooped in her pants. That might explain why she was hiding under her desk.
This evening at a work cookout the small one kept picking up each person’s glass, looking into it and saying to no one in particular, Is this for me? Can I drink this?
It was a lot for my first day. I wonder if I”ll make it back to the office tomorrow.