Day 35: Right here, right now

Today was supposed to the last day of the quarantine. This should’ve been the Sunday night when everyone got a bath and picked out their clothes for the morning. I should be doing my check-list again, preparing Big Sister’s Brotzeit (healthy snack) for Kindergarten and getting myself ready for my Monday ballet class.

It probably comes as no surprise to you that I’m not doing any of those things. We are five weeks in and I think this might be just the mid-point.

When I look ahead five weeks from now we will have missed our long weekend in France, we will have missed our week in Amsterdam with the tulips and we will have missed our first week in Italy at the beach.

We’re such world travelers, I thought before, So lucky to always be somewhere new and so proud to always be getting it done with little kids in tow.

But let me be candid—It was exhausting. This at home thing– it’s pretty relaxing. We’re not seeing the world but it really is like a stay-cation.

I think it was Day 29 that I mentioned that we should take inventory. What did we achieve in the five weeks? What did we figure out? What are we going to keep from this time? What are we going to forget?

Yesterday I shared my tools for surviving the quarantine and I think I’ll probably keep using those tools indefinitely.

In addition I’m going to hold on to:

Taste tests and weird little challenges. I did teach myself to flip a pancake in the frying pan for example. Nothing to lose giving it a try. I needed the quarantine I guess to feel like I had the time to try things. But now I see that we always have the time. Go ahead, try to flip a pancake! Who cares if it doesn’t work?

Embracing what is-right now. It sounds so cliché. But I constantly compared who I was before marriage and motherhood to who I am now. How colorless I felt now in comparison. How little control I had. How powerless I had become. How insignificant I was. I spent a lot of time focused on the past and the future and it was making me miserable.

I didn’t actively shift my focus. It was kind of a coincidence that I started practicing being present. I made it a daily discipline. Just simply doing it was empowering. And soon, I actually was present– just right here in this moment, with these people. I doubt anything actually changed but I don’t feel unsatisfied anymore and I don’t spend the whole day talking to myself about what’s wrong anymore.

Today when Big Sister came back from her bike ride I mentioned that I probably needed to get a bike. It’s hard to find one that’s a good fit, I said.

Big Sister replied knowingly, Yeah Mom, but you should probably get one that is a little big so that you can grow into it and ride it for a long time.

So sweet that she thinks I’m still growing.

But seriously, I feel a little bit like that’s what I did with my life. Six years ago I picked a life that was way too big for me. And now I see that it just took me this long to grow into it.

Until tomorrow,

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