Day 37 ‘Quel’ Night

When I woke up this morning the phrase that came to mind was ‘Quel’ night–a line from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. It really wasn’t a great night. Don’t worry there was no barfing or anything like that. But Little Bean didn’t sleep well and neither did I. The reasons were unclear. There were multiple wake-ups starting around 1:30am, an attempt to sleep in mommy’s bed which ended after ten minutes with her unilaterally deciding that she should go back to her own bed. After that she asked if she could turn on the light and read a book… um No.

Around 5am she awoke screaming. It sounded like a bad dream. I went to check on her and she cried out– hysterically, mind you– Daddy said I can’t have the chocolate! And then resumed sleeping. Well that is a bad dream!

Big Sister also appeared around 5, but luckily fell back asleep pretty quickly. I wish I could say the same for myself.

Days without sleep make every movement feel like being trapped in molasses. I remember feeling this way pregnant and nursing and the only real reason I’m thankful that those phases have passed is because generally I have 100% more energy now.

Today was the first quarantine day that felt just like the one before it–a lot of tantrums, a lot of dissatisfied people (well two to be exact), a lot of messes, very windy, not warm enough and not cold enough somehow. Little Bean in particular conducted herself the entire day like a hangry person, except she said that wasn’t hungry.

Big sister has been begging to make cut out cookies. We got to it today and it went pretty smoothly. She has gotten so independent and can do so much more than before. But I may have been just too tired to appreciate the magic.

The point is I see you people out there who are experiencing this in one way or another and I feel you. It is impossible to be your best self when you don’t sleep. The constant stream of bad news is an energy suck too.

But I want to encourage you. It is going to get better. Either the circumstances are going to change or you are and you will find relief. Give yourself a break. Don’t judge yourself harshly. It would be dumb to say enjoy this time–I know that swimming in molasses is not fun. But You–Me– We– will emerge from this bizarre hibernation. We will see the colors and smell the aromas and feel the people around us again. It’s coming.

If nothing else, the Lilacs are blooming this week.

Until tomorrow,

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