Day 63: Just one look at you

It’s hard to know where to start. Today was a lovely day. I think it was the first time the quarantine didn’t even matter.

First: We laughed a lot. Maybe the girls are getting funnier?

Second: Big Sister rode her bike 5 miles! Maybe I’m just overflowing with delirious pride?

Third: I have long believed that you can have everything, you just cannot have it all at the same time.

This simple lovely day shook the very foundations of that belief.

What if you actually can have everything at the same time? What if you already do? What if we are like buzzing microscopic atoms in the middle of tiny a spinning universe? And what if all the objects spinning around us are everything thing we’ve ever had and everything we’re ever going to have?

Sometimes I think our vision of ‘having’ needs to shift in order for us to see that it’s all there–Everything we ever wanted–If we’ve thought about it, hoped for it, seen it, tasted it, experienced it–it is woven into the tapestry that makes us who we are.

Today was warm but not hot. There was sunshine and blue skies dotted with silver clouds. We planted seeds, we watered. We played. We did basic human things. We danced and sang. We visited Oma. We laughed. There was some sass. There were some successes. Other times there were messes. We felt tired. We felt grateful.

Nothing today should’ve made me feel like I had reached the pinnacle of living. It wasn’t special. I didn’t do anything terribly difficult. The house wasn’t particularly clean or the children well dressed. I didn’t perform on stage or say something meaningful. I didn’t win an award or influence a lot of people. But there was a moment standing alone in my kitchen where I felt it. The climax of life.

All that I loved in the past, everybody, every situation. Even the things I didn’t love: every moment of unknowing, of yearning, of loss, of disappointed hope. Every near miss, every success, every leap. All that I’ve seen, known, learned, it was there with me. There I stood with dirt under my fingernails and pancakes in my mouth. A coffee in my hand, and music in my ears. The splendid right now in its stunning simplicity surrounded me. All that will be in the future was also there, connected to me by potential energy- just buzzing with power.

It was as if the force of these things spinning kept me balanced and perfectly still while I marveled at them– the way a spinning top looks so balanced that you can’t even see it’s spinning anymore. And it wasn’t like a whirlwind, it was more like a pulse.

If this is what they mean by in the zone. Oh man, it was a zone I always want to be in. For a few moments I felt the power of the full force of my life.

Perhaps life is not linear. Maybe it’s circular and multi-dimensional. Maybe we need deep breaths and less fear and hearts that can hold a lot more to really embrace it. We could let things be what they are even when they don’t make sense. Maybe we spend so much time looking for the ways that things fit into the big picture that we miss it.

Thank God I’ve never taken drugs because this is post is freaky enough without any help. Perhaps there was something in my coffee besides coffee this morning or perhaps this quarantine has turned me into some kind of mystic. Either way, I wish you all this feeling of stillness in a spinning turbine. It was a few seconds of something divine.

Until tomorrow,

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